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     The problem with being an actor turned writer—besides everything, is the fact that one involves irrational amounts of self-discipline and labor and the other, as Kate Hepburn said, any 6 year old can do (She was referring to Shirley Temple, an arguable choice, but let’s throw Quvenzhane Wallis in the ring and…“I’m not going to debate ya, Jerry.”).  

     I thought it would be the same kind of creative muscle, conjuring up peeps out of nothing.  Okay let me stop me right there: It’s not ‘out of nothing.’   So friggin’ ‘actor-y’ to say that.  I heard an interview with Russell Crowe talking about how he “came up with his character” for A BEAUTIFUL MIND.   He talked a lot about the guy’s fingernails-- his gateway in.  He never said: “I found this character by memorizing the genius lines Akiva Goldsman wrote down for me.”…which Goldsman was able to do after Sylvia Nasar wrote her Pulitzer Prize nominated book…about Nobel Laureate John Nash…who lived, what I imagine was a pretty painful life… But the point is characters aren’t just conjured out of nothing.

     And anyway, the truth is it’s all autobiography.  It’s all you.  And those around you too, of course—the “characters” in your life.  But an actor at least can hide behind “Well, I didn’t write it, don’t blame me.”  An especially useful stick to throw when something’s not working.  A writer must find a plausible answer to the question How in the world did you come up with that character? besides: It’s YOU, numbnuts!

     But what really sucks about sliding down the food-chain from Actor (Cap ‘A’) to writer (the caps thing is really difficult to know how to apply, btw, and Spell-check won’t correct for it), is that change of perspective forces you see you’re really not as clever as you thought.  Point in fact: “Not going to debate ya, Jerry.”  Who said that?  The wrong answer is Steve Buscemi.  Or “You never go full retard.”  Robert Downey Jr?  NO-NO-NO!  Well, yes, technically, he said it, the most insane “black” patois ever.   Still, unless he improv’d that on the set—maybe he did, okay maybe—then one of the best lines of all time came up from somewhere in the twisted bowels of Justin Theroux, Ethan Cohen or very possibly Ben Stiller’s funny.   

     It’s also possible, starting as an actress (and can I just interject: when did us girls become ‘Actors’?   The gender neutral must’ve happened same time as the Caps) but it’s possible that not-so-very-deep down I’m not a real writer.  Real Writers are probably all good with being the wind beneath someone else’s shinier more visually appealing wings.  I get it.  Who needs to see some pasty curmudgeon with greasy hair—cause they’ve procrastinated past a deadline and now don’t have time for personal hygiene—say “Put your lips together and blow.”  ew, right?  “You had me at hello”?  ug.

     But it still strikes me as oh I don’t know a tad criminal.  Look up ‘Best All Time Movie Lines’ in Wikipedia.  You’ll get the line, you’ll get the character’s name, you’ll get the movie, you’ll get the director (don’t get me started on ‘auteur’) and yes, you will get the Actor who said it.  What you absolutely won’t get is the poor schlub who thought it up, then went through the hassle to write it down!   Just sayin’.

     * “Go ahead, make my day.”  Clint, or Joseph Stinson?

     * “What a dump!” Bette or Lenore J. Coffee?  (Trick question.  Liz Taylor made the line famous in ‘Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf.’  I mean, Edward Albee did.)

     * “Free to those who can afford it, very expensive to those who can’t.” “I will never play the Dane.” “None for you!” “We want the finest wines available to humanity.  We want them here, and we want them now.” “As a youth I used to weep in butcher shops.” “We’ve gone on holiday by mistake!”  If you don’t recognize those quotes, must/will see ‘WITHNAIL & I’ today!  The most brilliantly quote-rich film ever!... Oh yeah, by Bruce Robinson. 

        Point is, if I’d written those lines, and the world went around parroting them for all time…I’m no Sugarman, sorry, I’d want a smidge of credit.  Maybe that’s the actor in me talking.  Sorry, I mean ‘Actor’….Actress?...writer...My sister…My daughter…My sister! (slap) My daughter!  (slap)  My sister AND my daughter!  Ah, wasn’t Faye Dunaway genius?